The very fist assignment of my very first Graduate class is a two-parter: first, create a blog (Done! Finally, Untamed Shrews comes in handy) and then post a response to a lit-related question hand-picked by Dr. Kajder. My task was to name ten characters with whom I’d go on a date! Judge ye not any of my decisions; many of my suitors will be considered obvious choices while the others may seem questionable due to ALLEGEDLY being hard-core murderers. It’s 2015, people. We all come with baggage.
1. Aragorn from J. R. R. Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings series. Let me be clear that listing only one of the many datable men in the LOTR trilogy is happening out of sheer willpower and the desire for interest and diversity. Big shout outs to Eomer and Faramir, whom I would totally be dating on the side. I imagine King Elessar and I would sip mead under the somewhat sparse shade of the White Tree of Gondor with Pippin singing in the background.
2. Harry Potter from J. K. Rowling’s Harry Potter books, because who among us could turn down a date with the boy who lived? We’d obviously enjoy Butterbeers while blindly trying Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans obtained from Honeydukes.
3. Amos Burton from James S. A. Corey’s Expanse series. Amos is an avocado of a person, with a rough and unappealing exterior but hearty goodness inside. Amos and I would drink bulbs of coffee on the spaceship Rocinante while watching the stars and floating in null gravity.
4. Jon Snow from George R. R. Martian’s A Song of Ice and Fire series. Jon’s the brooding type so we’d take Ghost for a silent walk along the top of The Wall until I couldn’t take it and totally spilled the beans on the conspiracy theory about his parentage.
5. Mark Watney from Andy Weir’s The Martian. Mark survived the impossible, so I’d pretty much just sit and feel totally out of my league while he regaled me with stories over a dinner of anything but potatoes.
6. Jonathan Safran Foer (the character) from Jonathan Safran Foer’s (the author) Everything is Illuminated. Jonathan is super into his history and heritage so we’d take in a museum on Jewish history and I’d try to be way more intellectual and sensitive than I am.
7. Colonel Brandon from Jane Austen’s Sense and Sensibility. True to the appropriateness of the times, Colonel Brandon would call on the ladies of the Coleman house and, after nibbling scones and casually mentioning my many good qualities, we would jump to the conclusion that he would be proposing in like a week.
8. Quincey Morris from Bram Stoker’s Dracula. Again, in lieu of the era, Quincey would propose marriage after being around me maybe a handful of times, I would hastily accept due to his wealth, and we’d ride off into the Transylvanian sunset, guns blazing, on his big, American horse.
9. Frankenstein’s monster from Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. He’s clearly my most intelligent bachelor, so we’d sit in a cave in the side of his mountaintop lair, contemplating the meaning of life and the cruelty and ignorance of that butthole, Dr. F. Then I’d quickly realize we weren’t compatible and I’d help him whip up a suitable companion for his South American travels.
10. Dexter from Jeff Lindsay’s Dexter series. Dexter is a busy murderer, I mean man, so we’d pencil in a lunch date, I’d ignore the blood on his collar while he talked about forensics, and I’d leave hoping for another date, blissfully ignorant of the body in his trunk.
Go right ahead, bring out bachelor number one!