Um, hey, whoa there, “crafters!” Slow your roll with this massive book genocide I’m seeing on Pinterest. I had no idea that St. Valentine’s Day could have such murderous outcomes. I was looking on Pinterest the other day for book-related Valentine’s card ideas and I was just bombarded with craft ideas involving books. Sounds innocent enough, but don’t be fooled; they all included tearing and cutting and folding and gluing your “unused books” into weedle biddy baby hearts that your boyfriend WILL NOT want, I assure you. So many things to say.
1. What makes you think that your boyfriend wants a framed motif of heart-shaped book cutouts containing words that describe him? Or a book that is glued ever-so-carefully so that it opens just enough to show “Iloveyou” cut out of the pages? No. That man wants scotch. Or some sort of ambiguous power tool. Or maybe alpaca socks, for the less Paul Bunyan type. But still! Little hearts glued to string draped from his bedroom doorway? No. Get real.
2. Unused books? Listen, I get that. Sometimes, you find yourself holding a book you can’t really remember ever buying or even wanting; something like “Calming the Stormy Seas of Menopause.” How did this even come into my possession?! Who cares. Donate it. If you don’t want it, give it to someone who does, or give it to a library. Hannah and I know best: libraries welcome the strangest people with the strangest “Can you look something up for me??” requests. No book deserves to die. I’ve said it before, I hated Atonement but I would never send it to the literary gallows. I’ll just keep it, maybe give it another try some day (okay, yeah sure) or at the least to shoot hate brainwaves at it every time I remember it exists. Donate them. Sell them. Whatever. Just don’t punish them by making them involuntary decorations.
3. If you and your lover are well-read and share a love of literary humor, you can get some really amazing St. Valentine’s day cards and no book needs to lose its life. So many books we read, contemporary and classics, have such wide followings of truly clever people that literary Valentines are so great! And this goes back to one of my earlier posts about being in-the-know about these inside jokes. We’re readers! We get the jokes that others think was a typo. So, if you want decoration, fine; go ahead, I guess I can’t stop you. You could easily use newspaper, though. Just a suggestion. But I suggest that we all just put down the crafting scissors and back away from the book. Go online, find a clever card referencing one of your beau’s favorite books, and then carry on with your life. Don’t sacrifice a good book for temporary cheesy garland or some mural that your boyfriend will NOT know where to put and will ultimately think “looks best” here, in this low-traffic area of our home.
If you like that cheesy stuff, sorry to offend. But not sorry enough not to post this right here, right now.